Canuck or not...

... you owe it to yourself to check this out. And yes, this is a cop out for the last post of January (HOLY DOODLE!)

http://www.cbc.ca/radio2/cod/concerts/20091215quest

Resolving

I usually don't think New Year's resolutions, in the traditional sense, are such a good idea. Often, they do motivate positive change, but sometimes, they cause disappointment. How many times have you absolutely promised yourself to do X, and you never do?

At the same time, goals are very important. You can't rely on sheer moment-to-moment intentions to get you through life. Telling yourself to accomplish something in a certain amount of time encourages you to get the damn thing done. And I do this with myself: have this chapter read by five, this paper written by next week, dinner on the table in an hour. In fact, I believe it is the basis of my sanity.

And (I do feel odd, saying this at my age, believe me) as I get older, time seems more and more precious. By Tuesday, I feel like my week is nearly done. My weekends blur together and I can't remember if the party was last week or last night. Everything zips past me, and I lose awareness of what I am given sometimes.

Though aspects of my personal life are a bit iffy, I am LOVING what is happening academically. In class today, we got notes on our Shakespeare pieces. We then took the rest of the hour to talk about process-oriented learning and how we feel about it.

I am a gold-star kind of girl. Did I do it right? Do I get a check mark? For someone to tell me that I can't get it right is to tell me I've failed. Nope, sorry. That was wrong. Therefore, you are terrible.

When you focus on the process, however, all of that falls out the back. You can't get it right, but you can't get it wrong. And there is no end in sight. It feeds my desire to keep trying and discover new things. And, to be proud of myself for my work. Not for the nod from my instructor.

It is better, I've found, to feel the ground under your feet than constantly squint into the horizon. I'm still learning this.

I resolved this year to find joy in the process. To take my time, and savour what I am learning and discovering. I want to fall in love with the world again, and to take care of myself and the people around. I want to be enraptured in the now, with the occasional glace ahead. I want to be on track and on focus.

And, for reading this rant, I give you:

Another Body Blog

Hot Damn, it's Crystal Renn!

I've always had a very strong relationship to my body, and I know other women can relate. It's a stereotype that we get together and whine about our 'huge' thighs and barely visible wrinkles, but stereotypes have to come from somewhere. And I've been in one of those body circles enough times to know one thing: satisfaction is the Holy Grail. Within my particular group of friends, self-flattery is very, very rare. And yet, as I look at all of the women I spend time with, I can't see what they could possibly complain about. We seem to save the ultra-critical (and cruel) lens for our own bodies.

Yet, as every feel-good women's magazine has told us time and time again, there is nothing to worry about. It takes all kinds to make a world, and that goes for bodies, too! They've also had countless articles and polls about how men feel about our bodies. The result is relentlessly unanimous: they love the way we look. And no, they don't see the wobbly bits and other flaws as detractors, more like things that make that woman unique and memorable.

So, what are we worrying about?

As someone who has gone from deliberate food abstinence to dancing and feeling incredibly confident and sexy (and everywhere in between), I can tell you it is all in our heads. That doesn't make the feelings any less real.

When I was withholding food from myself, I was very young. This was in junior high. I couldn't control very much in my life, so my body became my project. It happened by accident. I started to eat smaller and smaller amounts, and I'd get compliments on my figure. I was also in martial arts from age seven to fourteen, so my small frame has always been fairly muscular, never Natalie Portman-esque and delicate. This was, of course, a time when my body was changing on its own. As I developed more of a woman's body, I was unable to stop controlling my size, and I felt disgusting. By the beginning of high school, I was noticing that men - not just boys my age - would stare at me. The attention made me feel like I'd done something wrong.

The sexuality of my figure was something I couldn't control, and it was something I would grow into more and more. I wasn't obsessive like I was in those earlier years, but I'd keep an eye on how my body reacted to my lifestyle. I kept a finger on the pulse of my body. And that's when I spoke in those cirlces. Other girls would butter me up and then complain about their own issues.

I have by no means have had a very bad relationship with my body. And I know many women who have. I'm thankful for it, and what it allows me to do. I've got the luxury of being able to complain about petty things. I'm aware of that.

Going back to the picture I topped this blog off with: that is the beautiful Crystal Renn, a plus-size model. One of the most successful in the industry in fact. Over the holidays, I read her book Hungry, which I recommend to anyone who is interested in this topic. She's gone through a similar journey to mine, but in greater extremes. After trying to get a career going as a straight size model - a period of several years which involved extreme diet control and exercise bulimia - her body began to rebel. She was in the office of her agent when she realised how disconnected she was from her body. When she moved into the plus world, she was able to use her talents and her intelligence, both of which had been robbed of her when she was starving. She does, of course, have to monitor her appearance, but it is more of a careful watchfulness rather than oppression.

It breaks my heart to see so many women at odds with their bodies, distancing themselves from the corporal by measuring everything. Even in many western Yoga studios, the emphasis is on the "burn" and getting a cute butt, not on the fusion of the body and the spirit. My mother, trained as a Yoga teacher, is always puzzled when she hears someone say that they've gotten hurt during a session. "If they actually knew what was going on in their bodies, this wouldn't ever happen" she says "We don't allow the body and the mind to be one. Rather, our bodies become a project."

To any woman who has read this and can relate: listen to Crystal, listen to those very cute magazine articles that tell you how great you are, listen to the man or woman in your life who adores your bum and your tummy. And, most importantly, listen to your own body and what it needs. When you tune in, you'll be healthy.

Take care!