Resolving

I usually don't think New Year's resolutions, in the traditional sense, are such a good idea. Often, they do motivate positive change, but sometimes, they cause disappointment. How many times have you absolutely promised yourself to do X, and you never do?

At the same time, goals are very important. You can't rely on sheer moment-to-moment intentions to get you through life. Telling yourself to accomplish something in a certain amount of time encourages you to get the damn thing done. And I do this with myself: have this chapter read by five, this paper written by next week, dinner on the table in an hour. In fact, I believe it is the basis of my sanity.

And (I do feel odd, saying this at my age, believe me) as I get older, time seems more and more precious. By Tuesday, I feel like my week is nearly done. My weekends blur together and I can't remember if the party was last week or last night. Everything zips past me, and I lose awareness of what I am given sometimes.

Though aspects of my personal life are a bit iffy, I am LOVING what is happening academically. In class today, we got notes on our Shakespeare pieces. We then took the rest of the hour to talk about process-oriented learning and how we feel about it.

I am a gold-star kind of girl. Did I do it right? Do I get a check mark? For someone to tell me that I can't get it right is to tell me I've failed. Nope, sorry. That was wrong. Therefore, you are terrible.

When you focus on the process, however, all of that falls out the back. You can't get it right, but you can't get it wrong. And there is no end in sight. It feeds my desire to keep trying and discover new things. And, to be proud of myself for my work. Not for the nod from my instructor.

It is better, I've found, to feel the ground under your feet than constantly squint into the horizon. I'm still learning this.

I resolved this year to find joy in the process. To take my time, and savour what I am learning and discovering. I want to fall in love with the world again, and to take care of myself and the people around. I want to be enraptured in the now, with the occasional glace ahead. I want to be on track and on focus.

And, for reading this rant, I give you: