Green

Only the green parts will be greater and curl forward into gold. The originals will transform and not be copied. Tools against the ascension of our greatness are useless.

Let's bake under the sun and watch our skin go gold. Let's not filter through our browns and yellows.

Please, don't filter.

The margins are only suggestions. The margins are only suggestions. Because limits are meaningful only to show us how far we can go and how beautiful we can be.

I held the sun once, a golden being in my hand that I didn't understand. We talked for a bit before I realized that the truth had come for a visit. No wonder I didn't get it.

I write and it is easy, and it makes sense. I sing and it makes less sense. I act and I don't understand at all.

Yes

Take me with you.

Fracas

I couldn't gleam more from life
then to see inside your soul
and find myself there;
even a ghost
or a shadow of my laugh
or my eyes.

I want to be indelible.
Because when we are old
(when we are grey)
the pieces I gave you won't get older.

And I'll never let your smile wither
Your eyes, and your touch have marked me;
The ropes, the knots
-because we've tied a few-
are a perfect tangle

I wouldn't cut them for the world.

I

It is very freeing that no one really reads this.

As always, there are aspects of myself that remain a mystery to me. I can't control them let alone understand them.

Have I really handled myself so well? Has my grace come from courage or survival? I could keep myself together and look alright to other people. What it boils down to is this: I am a much better actor than I give myself credit for. Perhaps people suspect. But I am not a broadcaster when it comes to my emotional well-being. Do you know me? Great. But there are things you won't ever know about me.

What it boils down to is this: I am currently experiencing the unfortunately familiar cocktail of rage, despair, restlessness and loneliness. It is funny that I had not yet gotten to this point yet considering the events of my life recently. It was almost as if my emotions had to go on the side in order for me to function. Actually, that is exactly what it is. What I hate about it is that I know when it is coming. I know and I know that others can sense my storm on the horizon. It becomes one more thing to be preoccupied with.

I was, to put it somewhat melodramatically, betrayed. I am also coming down off my first real affection for someone. At times I feel like the quarry stone in my family. And there's the money thing as well. What might be labeled as triggers for my emotional stew are obvious. But why now?

I do not want to label myself. I am not anything I have been given or have absorbed from anyone I know. That just seems like such an excuse. I wish I were stronger.

I don't flatter myself enough to suppose I am 'touched' or somehow brought closer to the divine by my upward sweeps into greatness or my falls into the pit. But if I can be taken into perfect unity, then the fall would be grave. And the fall feels grave. It is like a quicksand bath in a concrete vest. And your world is a puppet show, a mockery of the little one who sinks.

And I know. As I have always known that I will come the other end. That to carry out the occasional thought I have would be too cruel. So I remain and push. I push for you.

And you know what the worst part is? This helps me.

Anthem

You and I were rocking the boat, baby
And you smirked at me and said 'life's a blast'
We almost fell and I thought maybe,
It's time that we just let that storm pass

As if we were gonna fight the brine
Who's ever broken that wave?
It isn't for us to waste the time,
But why not do something else, babe?

So you and me are dancing around
And we're both pretty good at taking the lead
The sky is a light show and rain surrounds
Our tiny little boat on the big black sea