I

It is very freeing that no one really reads this.

As always, there are aspects of myself that remain a mystery to me. I can't control them let alone understand them.

Have I really handled myself so well? Has my grace come from courage or survival? I could keep myself together and look alright to other people. What it boils down to is this: I am a much better actor than I give myself credit for. Perhaps people suspect. But I am not a broadcaster when it comes to my emotional well-being. Do you know me? Great. But there are things you won't ever know about me.

What it boils down to is this: I am currently experiencing the unfortunately familiar cocktail of rage, despair, restlessness and loneliness. It is funny that I had not yet gotten to this point yet considering the events of my life recently. It was almost as if my emotions had to go on the side in order for me to function. Actually, that is exactly what it is. What I hate about it is that I know when it is coming. I know and I know that others can sense my storm on the horizon. It becomes one more thing to be preoccupied with.

I was, to put it somewhat melodramatically, betrayed. I am also coming down off my first real affection for someone. At times I feel like the quarry stone in my family. And there's the money thing as well. What might be labeled as triggers for my emotional stew are obvious. But why now?

I do not want to label myself. I am not anything I have been given or have absorbed from anyone I know. That just seems like such an excuse. I wish I were stronger.

I don't flatter myself enough to suppose I am 'touched' or somehow brought closer to the divine by my upward sweeps into greatness or my falls into the pit. But if I can be taken into perfect unity, then the fall would be grave. And the fall feels grave. It is like a quicksand bath in a concrete vest. And your world is a puppet show, a mockery of the little one who sinks.

And I know. As I have always known that I will come the other end. That to carry out the occasional thought I have would be too cruel. So I remain and push. I push for you.

And you know what the worst part is? This helps me.