Obviously, the multiple words in the title (as well as the title itself) should be a quick giveaway to you, my very hypothetical reader, that this isn't the usual beat poetry, crunchy fare.
Having plodded through the past ten months, six of which I have spent in a romantic relationship (five in one, one in another), I've decided it is time to make some changes.
The end of the spring was fairly dramatic for me, considering what happened to my academic life. The consequences have really forced me to think about if I am in the place I can be happiest, where I can learn the most ... hell, if theatre is what I want to do. It has really made me think about why I am studying this, and can I be happy and healthy doing that? My health has been an excellent measure of how good a particular situation is for me.
Anyway, going back to what I mentioned about relationships: for the next while, I am going to actively avoid a new romance. I'm not going to pledge celibacy or anything, because that's a very big promise to keep.
I've used romance as a distraction. I've had a few relationships where there was a lot of passion to begin with, but towards the end, lots of problems. Sure, it's great to be told that you're beautiful, to have someone to spend time with ... all that. But after awhile, it can become a Linus-and-blanket situation. And that's unhealthy. Besides, I will be living with Sarah next year, rehearsing and performing a show, and possibly working. I will have no shortage of distractions.
I think it is time for my ego to stop giving rude gestures to that sage little voice inside me that warns me against things like this. If it says, "I know you want to tear into a bag of chips and watch YouTube videos. But you'll feel better if you go to the gym", I need to listen to it. If it says, "You know you're great. Why do you need a guy to tell you that?" I need to not let my ego respond with, "UP YOURS!"
Moral of this self-indulgent diatribe: I want to flourish, not only survive. And until romance becomes a energy source and not a drain, I will abstain from it. I have been lucky enough to date men who I want to be friends with afterward, one who I can talk to about pretty much anything, so I can be more than happy with friendship. I want to learn to repair myself, because I've left a lot of broken parts laying around. And I want to learn to love what will be there despite whoever or whatever I end up spending time with.
Phew. OK, so MAYBE this means I will start blogging for real, now. Hmmm.
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